When I was a child there was a chip shop not too far from where I lived. It wasn’t a very good chip shop. It was run by a very elderly couple. The lady was very grumpy. Her husband was very fat and often wore only a string vest on the upper half of his body. He sweated a lot.
Needless to say, it wasn’t a very good chip shop. The portions were tiny. They tasted awful. But they were very cheap.
Why do I mention this? Well, for some reason, the current talks at Hillsborough Castle remind me of that chip-shop. News reports refer to our “government”, or our “executive” like it’s a real government – but we all know that it’s not really. It goes through the motions of government. It is populated by people who use the odd, contrived language of government. But more often than not they reach no obvious conclusions or outcomes. They serve up lame and pathetic, unpalatable fayre and expect us to buy it and be satisfied.
Yesterday, we are told, two master fryers have been flown in to help. Both are Prime Ministers that have overseen the most disastrous crippling recessions to have hit these shores. Both sat back and ignored the fact that their economies were being raped and pillaged by unregulated bankers, and greedy, manipulative property developers. Both have been forced to bail-out their decrepit economies with vast swathes of government borrowing.
It’s like the good old days again, though. An incredulous public sits blinking and unnerved by the unfolding events. Once again the television arc-lights are strained on the columns of Hillsborough Castle, as gleaming (tax-payer funded) limos swing into view and their occupants emerge to mouth crisis words – about the urgency of the talks, the need for resolution and calm decision-making.
But we all know that these talks are being held between people we would never invite for dinner – people we know, deep down, embarrass us a bit when they are interviewed on national telly. They are all, every one of them, sociopaths in some way. Some, we know, have probably killed or tried to kill people. Others, we know, might have done shady deals with developers. Others are just plain shifty and we’re not sure why. Oh, and then there are the ones who can barely string a sentence together. And yet these people are making the chips.
This crisis is not a crisis. There is no national clamour for these powers to be devolved – regardless of what the Hillsborough or St Andrews agreements said. The crisis is “politician” contrived. And the politicians – because they are defined on the basis of tribe – hate each other.
However, there is something different about this crisis. For the first time I sense that the tribes out here – outside Hillsborough Castle – are beginning to lose faith. They are beginning to see that these political hangers-on have completely lost touch with the real world. Orange marches no longer cripple society like they used to – they are mostly ignored. Orange Order membership is dwindling. British liberalism is beginning to permeate into our society. No-one speaks or cares about Irish or Ulster Scots. Victoria Square seems to be a success. We now have a Hollister and perhaps Abercrombie will be here soon too (these things are very important to our teenage kids). We now have direct flights to Europe. Our rate of child poverty is the lowest in the UK. We have high levels of employment because of British tax-payer generosity. We don’t really eat fish and chips any more – we prefer Thai Curry.
Therefore the politicians at Hillsborough castle merely represent the bloat and biliousness that is the contrived and tribal nonsense that used to be this place. It isn’t any more. We’ve moving on. So let’s not call this a crisis.
I have to admit, I used to run in to the chip shop, when I was a child, and ask, “Have you any chips left?” If the response from the fat-man was positive I’d answer, “Well that’s your own fault for making too many.”
What was your opinion on the 1985 Anglo Irish Agreement that Maggie Thatcher signed and that provoked outrage in the North with Unionists proclaiming “Ulster Says No” and Ian Paisley a year later denouncing Margaret Thatcher as a traitor to the loyalist people of Northern Ireland. Your views would be appreciated please!
So what we really need is one county council with about 24 members with authority for education bins water and little else. What a lovely quiet place it would be then.
Ok lads pull the plug today in Hillsboro and let your lights go out. And by the way, leave the limos there and get the bus home.
Jeff, I do not admire your politics, but I do admire your principles.
Shane, many thanks. Appreciate it.
It is not often we agree but we seem to be agreeing more often, a worrying trend.
The Stormont building is inhabited by members, apart from a small number, who are basically elected members of the two large tribes here and would not make a parish council anywhere else. They do not understand economics have little experience of business, one or two have even failed in that direction, so they are nodding heads who are wheeled out to fill the chamber when the TV cameras are around.
Only when it becomes respectable to be a politician in NI will we resolve the problem and get people of talent and that is long way off, except for a few brave souls who are putting their heads above the parapet. So what do we do in the meantime settle for direct rule and let the civil servants run this place, what a mess they made in the 30 they made almost everyone a civil servant.
I still believe the UUP Conservative pact is the only game in town but the UUP are still living on their past glories, especially their top brass, maybe their membership will catch on and oust them.
Agree wholeheartedly. An airstrike on Stormont might finally justify the cost of the Tornado project.
Ní cheart duit scriobh nach labhríonn duine ar bith Gaeilge san Tuisceart. Tá aithne agam ar chuid mór daoine atá Gaeilge acu nó atá ag foghlaim an teanga.
You are wrong to say that no-one speaks Irish in Northern Ireland. I know a lot of people who speak Irish or who are learning the language.
Excellent. But they all speak English too.
Catch yourself on, Cameron
David Cameron’s selfish and naïve irresponsibility demonstrates a failure to understand Northern Ireland, or the potentially dire consequences of his actions
27 January 2010
The Tories’ country house dalliance with the Democratic Unionist Party and the Ulster Unionist Party has caused consternation amongst the British and Irish governments and the other political parties. The secret ‘unionist unity’ talks could have a seriously negative impact on the current political situation in Northern Ireland, but might also cause problems for Cameron in the future.
The timing and secretive nature of the talks is hugely significant. The crisis over the devolution of policing and justice could collapse the devolved institutions, and critical negotiations have been taken place in the last week involving all political parties and the two governments. The Tories’ actions served only to distract from these crucial discussions, and showed a lack of concern for Northern Ireland’s future that bordered on contempt. The reckless timing of the Tories’ talks was exacerbated by their clandestine nature. What was discussed? What was proposed? What was agreed? Did the Tories give the DUP hope of holding out for a better deal under a Conservative government, thereby precipitating the collapse of current negotiations? Did they suggest a sectarian carve-up of winnable constituencies between the DUP and UUP, or a merger of the parties to maximise the unionist vote? Did they discuss DUP/UUP support for the Conservatives in Parliament, and what might be given in return? What was Owen Patterson’s (the Shadow Secretary of State for Northern Ireland) involvement? At whose behest were the talks held? All of these questions – the first in particular – need to be definitively answered.
David Cameron’s commitment to his own party and electoral alliances in Northern Ireland is also under scrutiny. The Tories have their own organisation in Northern Ireland, with pledges to offer ‘normal’ politics and an end to ‘sectarianism and tribalism’. Against their wishes, Cameron entered into an electoral pact with the Ulster Unionists – Ulster Conservatives and Unionists-New Force – and the parties have agreed to run joint candidates in the General and European elections. Cameron said it would take the sectarian equation out of the constitutional question i.e. that it would make unionism attractive to Catholics. Following the revelation of the secret talks, three Conservative PPCs hoping to be UCUNF candidates resigned their positions. Two of them were Catholics. It leaves Cameron’s ‘reach-out unionism’ strategy in tatters.
Some commentators have argued that there has been an over-reaction, and that Cameron and the Tories are unionists and therefore this type of liaison is entirely appropriate. They are wrong. Unionism in Northern Ireland is not the same as that in Scotland and Wales. It is tied up with sectarian hatred, an intractable dispute, historical conflict, and the complications of a divided society. To suggest, therefore, that Northern Ireland is part of the UK in the way that Scotland and Wales are is ridiculous at best and delusional at worst.
David Cameron’s electoral alliance with and steadfast support of Northern Ireland unionists is a huge strategic error with worrying practical implications. It raises serious questions about his judgement, and his ability to be Prime Minister. The IRA declared its first ceasefire in 1994 yet it was 2007 before a functioning power-sharing Executive involving all of the main parties was established. It took thirteen years to move to the end of the peace process and the beginning of the political process. It is clear that British and Irish governments will be called upon to act as guarantors, neutral arbiters and trusted problem-solvers again in the future. How can Cameron’s Conservatives have any credibility in performing those roles given their intensive, explicit and continuing support of one side over another?
Conor McGinn is chair of the Labour Party Irish Society
http://www.progressives.org.uk/Magazine/article.asp?a=5284
The Tories’ Northern Ireland policy has nothing to do with electoral advantage JAMES FORSYTH 2:16pm
If Tory policy in Northern Ireland was based around electoral advantage, as their critics have been insinuating these last few days, then they never would have attempted to get a new political force off the ground there. Rather, they would have waited for the election result and then, if necessary, made a deal with a unionist party that could offer them enough support. As the vote on 42 days showed, the DUP is not averse to deal-making. Indeed, until recently it appeared that the Tory approach would cost them if there was a hung parliament as it made the DUP far less inclined to support the Tories, their electoral rivals.
The mutterings you hear from the Northern Ireland Office is that the Tories decision to contest seats in Ulster means that they can no longer be seen as impartial. That’s true but I don’t think the British government should be neutral about Northern Ireland’s status.
When it comes to the ‘secret’ Hatfield talks, much of the criticism has been overblown. The Tories weren’t trying to broker any kind of electoral pact with the DUP, a move that would be politically foolish given the views of various DUP politicians. Yes, they were bringing together their allies in Northern Ireland, the old Ulster Unionist party, and the DUP. But that was because no deal can be done on the devolution of policing and justice without support from both unionist parties. Sean Woodward seemed to realise this in October when he tried to get the Tories to persuade the UUP to agree to the financial settlement that would accompany the devolution of policing and justice.
http://www.spectator.co.uk/coffeehouse/5734948/the-tories-northern-ireland-policy-has-nothing-to-do-with-electoral-advantage.thtml
Hmm, UUP member, the Spectator’s position is all very well but it overlooks the fact that 1. Robert Cranbourne was involved and 2. It was appallingly badly handled by the Tory media team and 3. It looks bad given the current Tory poll performance and 4. The DUP (and certain UUP peeps) have been spinning a line about Unionist unity. Also, we can’t get away from the fact that it was the final straw for 3 good Tory candidates who have walked.
I agree with the Spectator that the Conservatives should not be neutral on the status of the Union. But that doesn’t mean the Party should show favour to all-Protestant parties. There are many people across Northern Ireland that want a new political dispensation – that does not involve sectarian head-counting.
Of course it’s true that Irish speakers in the North speak English too. However at the end of the day we are only asking for the same rights as our counterparts in Scotland and Wales.
I’m sure you’ll agree with the sentiment ‘British rights for British citizens!’
No-one has the “right” to have the state finance a hobby. Language is a means of communication. Languages, like networks, are exponentially more useful the more people use them/are connected to them. Everyone who lives in this island (North and South) speaks English – and nearly all for daily discourse. The state should not be required to fund the promulgation of a language that is, at a practical level, close to useless in terms of communication (although I admit that may not have been the situation in the late 17th century but things have changed since then).
We have, therefore, the chance to be more sensible here and use public funds more effectively than in Wales and Scotland.
However, I think it’s great that people are language hobbyists – as long as they meet the costs of their hobby themselves.